


There's A Hole In My Heart And Only You Can Fill It

by Daisyith



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Break Up, Forgiveness, M/M, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8010847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyith/pseuds/Daisyith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year after breaking up, Nico still can't forget Lewis: the way he tastes, the way he touches, the way he loves. And all Nico wants to do is go back to a time when they were happy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drunken Memories

Nico stumbled, his foot catching on the carpet as he walked down the hallway. The floor refused to stay still, the four walls around him beginning to spin. For a moment, he rested his palm against the wall, cool beneath his fingertips as he steadied himself. As he pushed himself forwards, he was met with the slab of wood at the end of the corridor. 

His fingers traced the room number, 446, smiling fondly at the meaning behind the three digits. He had stood outside this door frequently, always in the depths of the night when prying eyes were shut. There was a point when he would insert his own copy of the key and slip into the flat, unseen, leaving only in the early hours of the following morning. But that had been many years ago. Now, it was only when the ache in his heart became unbearable or the hollowness in his chest returned that his feet would automatically repeat the journey, the short distance ingrained in his memory. He would never knock, never call out. He would slump against the wooden door, drawing his knees to his chest as the tears fell from red-rimmed eyes. He would cry until he had nothing more to give, bubbles of emotion wetting his cheeks as he remembered. He remembered the good times, the times when they were actually happy together, enjoying each others company. It was before the arguments started, before they found bitter words replacing the affection, hatred overwhelming the love. Nico’s heart bled when he thought about his last night spent in the warmth of Lewis’ embrace, beneath the sunkissed skin.

\-------

Nico felt the rise and fall of Lewis’ chest with every breath inwards. He watched as Lewis’ eyes fluttered shut, his long eyelashes resting against his caramel cheekbones as a slow smile tugged at the corners of Lewis’ mouth. Nico felt calloused fingers slip around his waist as Lewis’ strong hands pulled their bodies together, his sweat dampened skin warm to Nico’s back. Light kisses were pressed to his neck, his shoulders, his back and Nico fought the urge to pull away. He rested his head on the pillow and desperately willed the need for sleep to push him into an unconscious slumber. At least that way, he wouldn’t have to talk to Lewis. He would be able to slip away later before the brunette awoke. It was easier that way. But luck was against him.

As Nico’s breathing evened out and his beating heart had calmed, the sound of Lewis’ soft English lit filled the room, “What happened to us Nico?” He sounded miserable, each word interrupted by his lips gently brushing against Nico’s skin.

Nico paused, his own thoughts mirroring Lewis’. At the beginning, Nico would have rested his head against Lewis’ chest, lulled to sleep by the hand that twirled through his blonde locks and the steady beating beneath his ear. With a sigh, he mumbled truthfully, “I don’t know Lewis…” There hadn’t been a change, a moment to mark their downfall but rather gradually they had just drifted apart. 

There was a moment of silence before Lewis spoke again, his words no more than a whisper almost as if he feared the answer, “Do you still love me?”

 

Nico had no answer. He wasn’t even sure if he liked Lewis anymore. They had nothing in common, nothing to talk about outside of racing. But despite all the fighting, the arguing and the disagreements, Nico kept coming back. They would celebrate race wins and release the pent up anger and stress when things didn’t go right. For as long as Nico could remember, they had spent every race together, before with rushed kisses and whispered luck and after with champagne soaked lips and needy hands. They had always been together. But was it love? It had been but now, Nico wasn’t so sure. He knew what they had now wasn’t healthy, that it was slowly destroying him. There was uncertainty between them and their relationship and Nico knew he couldn’t keeping do it. He couldn’t cope with trying to be happy, it was affecting not just their relationship but their races each week. It had to end.

The hesitation before Nico’s answer was enough for Lewis without even hearing Nico’s strained, “No…” Lewis’ hands pushed at Nico’s body, pushing a distance between the two before he rolled away from the German,

“I think you need to go.” Lewis had said coldly, his hands moving to wipe at his cheeks. Even through the cloud of darkness, Nico could see the tremble in Lewis’ body and the tears that splashed from his eyes. And at that point, Nico wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around the fragile body and kiss away the pain and the hurt, take them both back to a time before they fell apart. But he didn’t. He picked up his jeans and shirt, slipping them over his body and walked out the door. He didn’t turn around. He didn’t look back, not even when he heard the sobs escape from Lewis’ parted lips.

\------

Nico rested his forehead against Lewis’ door, a sense of nostalgia overwhelming him as he caught the weak scent of Lewis seeping from behind his closed door. Looking back, he realised that it had been love. It might not have been conventional, happy love but it was love nevertheless. He wished he’d had the courage to tell Lewis the truth, to turn around in his dark bedroom and whispered the three words Lewis had clearly longed to hear. But he was forced to live with his mistake, regretting it even a year later.

Nico had tried to dull the ache in his chest by bringing home someone different every night. But he found himself longing for dark curls, brown eyes and an English accent. It was after this that he turned to the alcohol, drinking away his sorrows, masking them behind bottle and bottle of sharp tasting liquid that burned at his throat. But it didn’t bring back Lewis, no matter how much he drank. But at least it eased the pain, made him forget even just for a night. 

There was a hole in his heart and only Lewis could fill it. 

Nico lifted his hand, knocking lightly against the wooden door. He needed to see Lewis, feel him beneath his hands, experience his scent and taste. He needed Lewis. He knew that it was the near empty whiskey bottle lying in his kitchen that had him standing before Lewis’ door. Without the copious amounts of alcohol coursing through his bloodstream, he wouldn’t have had the courage to actually tap against the door. 

There was silence. Nico knew it was the middle of the night, that Lewis would probably be sleeping. But he couldn’t leave, not yet. He was about to sit against the floor when the door swung open, forcing Nico to stumble forwards. He felt strong hands at his waist, steadying his body. The touch was quick, the warm fingers retracting as soon as Nico was upright but it was enough to spark something in his heart. He turned, spotting the tired eyes and mess of curls. Lewis had a pair of grey jogging bottoms slung low around his hips, the lack of shirt revealing muscular skin and a smattering of brown hair. He had his eyebrow raised, questioning Nico as he spoke with a sigh,

“What are you doing here Nico?”

Nico tried to reach out and rest his fingers against Lewis’ cheek but the brunette quickly stepped backwards, avoiding the touch. It was always like this, every race meeting, every press conference, every second spent with each other. There was always space between the two of them, Lewis never wanting to be near to Nico.

“What are you doing here Nico?” Lewis repeated, slower this time in the hope that even Nico’s alcohol muddled brain would be able to comprehend his words.

“I -” Nico began, “IStillLoveYou.” The words spilled from his lips, a moment of alcohol induced madness as he struggled to hold his emotions in. 

Lewis sighed, desperately hoping he had misheard Nico’s words, “How much have you had to drink man?” He could smell the strong scent of whiskey lifting from Nico’s body, hear the alcohol in his voice as every word was slurred rather than spoken.

“Not much.” Nico giggled but Lewis’ glare quickly silenced him before he retracted his answer, instead offering the truth, “A lot.”

“And why did you come here?”

“I still love you Lewis, I never stopped.”

Lewis closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. He shut the door behind them before resting his hands gingerly against Nico’s shoulders, pushing him in the direction of the bedroom, “You’ve had too much to drink Nico, you need to go to bed man.” 

Nico, too tired to fight, let Lewis steer his body as he protested verbally, “Only if you join me.” He said, winking at Lewis.

“Nico.” Lewis said firmly, “It’s just the alcohol talking, you don’t mean any of it.” With slight hesitance, Lewis’ fingers pulled at Nico’s jumper, pulling it over his long limbs. He then moved onto Nico’s jeans, unbuttoning them at the waistline and pushing downwards, holding the blonde steady as he extracted Nico’s feet. He then pushed Nico at the bed.

Nico rested his head against the pillow, remembering all the nights he had spent tucked beneath Lewis’ duvet cover. The fresh scent of mint and lemon lingered on the bedding, the scent of Lewis. Nothing had changed in Lewis’ room, the walls were still lined with trophies on display, pictures still littered flat surfaces, the collection of hats still mingled in one corner. It was as if Nico was a few years younger, spending the night with Lewis. The only difference was that Lewis lingered in the doorway, refusing to join him beneath the sheets. 

“I still love you…” Nico repeated sleepily as his eyelids suddenly felt heavier and his body tired. He closed his eyes but before sleep pulled him under, he heard a voice so quiet and small he wasn’t sure if he’d imagined it or not,

“I still love you too Nico…”


	2. Second Chances Don't Come Often

Nico opened his eyes to the dimly lit room, though it was daytime no-one had opened the curtains. It took him a moment to recognise his surroundings, to remember that it was not his cream wallpaper or patterned duvet surrounding him. He was aware of the thumping sensation in his temples, it was as though someone was repeatedly bludgeoning the soft skin. His tongue felt fuzzy, the taste of stale alcohol lingering in his mouth. While yesterday, the taste of whiskey had been welcomed graciously, it now left him feeling nauseous. His stomach gurgled and lurched and Nico pulled the covers from his body, exposing himself to the cool air. He rushed into the bathroom, his feet carrying him automatically along the wooden flooring, depositing him in front of the toilet just in time to empty his body of everything he’d eaten and drunk the previous evening. 

Nico rested his forehead against the closed toilet seat, letting his eyes flutter shut as the cool ceramic soothed his aching head. I’m never drinking again, Nico promised himself but he knew it was an empty promise, one that would be broken the moment the sun began to set. For all the time spent drinking away his sorrows, he still wasn’t used to the unbearable feeling and agonizing pain the morning after. 

Nico wanted nothing more than return to the dark confines of the bedroom. He wanted the soft warmth of the duvet wrapped around his tender body, to surround himself with comfort as he tried to sleep off his hangover. But it wasn’t his bed. It wasn’t even his flat. He vaguely remembered stumbling along the corridor of their shared building, finding himself in front of 446, Lewis’ room. But after that, it was a black blur.

The sound of footsteps interrupted Nico’s thoughts, pulling him back to there and then as Lewis’ voice filled the room. “You’re awake.” Lewis observed simply. 

Nico turned, wincing at the sudden pain in his neck. He spotted the bemused smirk occupying Lewis’ face, an almost permanent feature in recent months, “Fuck off.” He growled angrily, not in the mood for the inevitable argument that would shortly ensue.

“Oh so now you don’t want to talk?” Lewis asked, his eyebrow raised.

Nico sighed, he couldn’t remember an exchange between the two but it was evident that some discussion had taken place and that Lewis wasn’t happy, “What happened last night?” He queried, hoping Lewis would be able to shed some light on the situation.

“Not a lot.” Lewis said sarcastically, “You only knocked on my door in the middle of the night and told me you still love me…”

Nico groaned, “Shit. Sorry.” He said, frantically pushing himself away from the bathroom floor. He had tried for so long to repress his emotions, to discard his feelings knowing it would be easier that way. But all it had taken for them to come tumbling out of his mouth was the taste of burning alcohol spreading through his chest. It was no wonder Lewis wasn’t happy. Once on his feet, the room swayed and he stumbled forwards. Nico reached out for the wall but his hand slipped along the tiled surface and his body sprawled onto the floor with a crashing thump. The room swirled before stilling. Pain radiated across his knees and as he glanced down, Nico realised he was only wearing his boxer shorts. He no idea where his shirt and jeans were located, no recollection of them being taken off. He turned to Lewis, unable to look the brunette in the eye, “Do you know where my clothes are? I’ll leave as soon as I’m dressed.” Lewis nodded, turning out of the room. Nico took this opportunity to grab hold of the doorframe and pull himself to standing. He stepped through the doorway, wincing at the now drawn curtains as he was bathed in a bright light that hurt his bloodshot eyes. 

Lewis handed Nico the jumper and jeans he had donned the previous evening. Nico sank onto the edge of the bed, pulling the rough denim over his smooth skin. He fumbled with the zipper and button, his uncoordinated fingers requiring multiple attempts before the material was fastened securely around his waist. Before he could move onto his jumper, Lewis spoke from where he stood in the doorway.

“Did you mean it?” Lewis asked in a small voice, his head bowed as his fingers twisted at the hem of his shirt. Moments like these were rare, Lewis left in a position of vulnerability, his usual cocky self disappearing.

Nico froze. “I…” He began, unsure of how to put his thoughts into words through the hangover that clouded his mind, “Yes. I love you Lewis.”

There was a moment of silence. “I just want to know why. Why did you lie to me man?” He sounded broken and upset as he recalled the evening the previous year, the one that left his world upside down.

Nico sighed. He ran his fingers through his unstyled blonde locks, letting the soft hair fall flat against his forehead, “It was stupid.” He mumbled, “I thought we could go back to being friends, that we wouldn’t argue anymore. I hated what we’d become Lewis.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? We used to talk Nico.” It was true. In the karting days, they used to laugh together, talk together, be together. They would speak about everything, every secret. But those days were over, even if Nico didn’t want to admit it.

“You moved on, you started dating again and it broke my heart. I thought I’d done the right thing but I could never get you out of my mind.” Nico was met with silence, Lewis unanswering as he stared coldly across the room. “I shouldn’t have come here last night -”

“No you shouldn’t.” Lewis interrupted.

“- I’ll leave, I’m sorry.” Nico finished, pushing his hands into the soft cotton of his jumper, finding comfort in the way it fitted tightly against his skin, warming his cold body. He stood, wobbling slightly before walking across the room, the carpet plush against his toes. But as he tried to squeeze through the doorway, Lewis stood in his way, refusing to move. Nico cocked his head, looking curiously at the brunette.

Lewis looked at the floor, studying the details of his carpet with immense fascination. There was a moment of silence before he spoke, so quiet that Nico almost missed it, “I broke up with her. Almost straight away.”

Nico paused, guilt washing over him. He had been so wrapped up in his own heartbreak and misery that he had evidently missed Lewis struggling himself. He had seen the girl around the grid on occasion and simply assumed she was more than just a friend to Lewis, “Why?” He asked.

“She -” Lewis began, stopping to take a deep breath, “She wasn’t you.”

Nico’s expression softened. At the back of his mind he could remember Lewis’ lips curling around an expression of his emotions the previous evening but had simply assumed it had been a drunken fantasy, his mind creating the situation he desired. But now, he wasn’t so sure. Maybe it had been more than a dream.

“You know…” He murmured softly, “You know we could always give us a second chance.”

Lewis peered up, his brown eyes hidden behind long eyelashes, “I’d like that.” He whispered quietly.

Nico nodded, taking a step towards Lewis until he could the feel the warmth radiating from the brunette’s body.. But before he could lean in and press a gentle kiss to Lewis’ lips, he was met with a chuckle as two strong hands pushed at his shoulders, “First I think you need a shower man.”

Nico spotted the sparkle behind Lewis’ eyes, the genuine turned corners of his mouth and smiled in relief. This was the Lewis he knew. The Lewis he fell in love with. Gone was the awkwardness, the regret of the previous evening. Nico extended his hand, offering it to Lewis as he asked, one eyebrow raised in suggestion, “Care to join me?” He felt rough fingers slip between his own, their fingers intertwining perfectly after all this time. He led Lewis into the bathroom and under the spray of heated water, “I love you.” He murmured, happy to be able to say the words freely, not to be scared of the consequences. This time around, he wasn’t going to make the same mistakes...


End file.
